


Saudade

by Clementines



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-01-01 01:35:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12145776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clementines/pseuds/Clementines
Summary: Scenes in Dean and Seth's ever shifting relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

Raw, Monday 21st August 2017

Roman is thinking a hot shower, some nice scotch and a call back home to check on his family might be good enough to soothe him. If Summerslam had been bad, today’s Raw had definitely been worst. He’s walking towards his locker, ignoring the pityful glances he’s getting, when he bumps into a human form. He’s tired as hell and frustrated enough to yell at the person to get out of his fucking way until he sees his former little brother looking up with deer eyes. For someone as cunning and dangerous as Seth, it’s surprising how well he can pull off the innocent look whenever he wants. The two men look at each other for a few moments, a silent battle going on. Seth wants to talk, he’s desperate to talk, and Roman just wants to go home. It’s been a while though and the big guy realizes he kind of misses the two idiots that once walked by his side all the damn time. It may not a bad idea to interact with someone who doesn’t want to break his neck, at least not that he knows of, for a change. He passes the message through his clear eyes and Seth gets it effortlessly, years of companionship paying off, following him to the locker room in silence. For once fortune seems to be on their side since there’s no one there, and Roman lets all of his weight flop down onto a chair as lazily as he is feeling. Seth sits on the floor and Roman smirks, looks like the lunatic is already rubbing off on the golden princess. 

-I didn’t get the championship yesterday. A crowd has chanted that I suck in my face and I have to put up with Cena while Braun gets to go after Lesnar.

Roman says it mechanically, he’s too tired to be affected by all that shit anyway. Seth nods and sighs loudly.

-It fucking sucks, man. You don’t deserve that. 

Roman wants to laugh at his face. Sometimes Roman has difficulties reconciling the actual Seth with the guy who hit his back with a chair, explaining for years how much better he was without him. Sometimes he’s not sure which Seth he’s talking to. Sometimes it’s like he’s seeing his baby brother, eager but caring, and others he’s dealing with the petulant asshole who betrayed them. He guesses Seth is every single one of those people and it’s disturbing. It’s disturbing to think how many seeds are planted in each person, how many differente variations of yourself potentially exist in this world.  
-The fact is I’m the one who’s going through shit while you get to hold a bell and spend time with Dean, so why the fuck you’re the one who’s looking miserable? 

-I don’t…

Roman knows the polite thing to do is listen. He knows society's rules dictate that Seth should insist a bit longer and he should let him, feigning that this conversation is indeed about him and his hardship of the moment but he’s just too tired to care. If he wanted to follow social conventions, he’d be elsewhere with someone else. 

-Let’s not pretend you followed me here to talk about me. I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you wanted Dean back. 

And Roman can see, the moment he says them, those are the exact words he should and shouldn’t have said. Seth snorts and shakes his head, a longing look in his eyes. 

-I haven’t got him back. He hasn’t forgiven me.

-He’s offered you the fist gesture, he’s tagging with you.

-Yeah, so maybe he doesn’t want to kill me anymore every second of the day, but he hasn’t forgiven me. 

Roman sighs, something unsettling in the pit of his stomach. He knows how hard it must be for his brothers to navigate through all of this, and sometimes he wishes he could be a part of it too but he has his own path to follow. He hasn’t talked to Dean in weeks and he’s kind of feeling guilty about it because the come back of Seth Rollins into his life must be for sure traumatizing. He makes a mental note to find some time, even a handful of minutes, to talk to his brother. 

-I know. 

There's no point in lying. He may be too busy to interact with them, but he’s caught glimpses of the soap opera that has been their reconciliation. He can see how guarded Dean still is around Seth. He avoids casually touching him, he avoids looking at him in the eyes, he avoids everything that is avoidable. Roman can feel Dean’s desire and also how much effort he’s putting into holding back. It’s impossible to miss it if you’re paying attention. 

-I just want things to be the way they were. 

Roman rolls his eyes and, for a moment, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know whether he wants to hug Seth and make it all better, laugh at the absurdity of his words, or simply to punch him in the face. For a guy so smart, Seth can be the dumbest human being alive when it comes to Dean Ambrose.

-What did you expect exactly? I’m actually pretty surprised he came this far. He wouldn’t have for anyone else on this planet, you know that, right? 

He doesn’t, and it freezes Roman’s brain that Seth still doesn’t know. He shakes his head and curses under his breath, this is not his conversation to have. 

-I’ve apologized. 

Seth is looking with big round eyes and a pout as he says the words and Roman feels like he’s talking to Jojo about how she broke something that wasn’t hers to break. Seth is an adult man, he should know it’s not that simple. You can glue the broken pieces of a vase together all you want, but you won’t be able to cover the scars; the vase will never be what it once had been and it will never become what it should have. Seth did not only betrayed Dean, he kept on pushing him for the following year. He made every one of Dean’s nightmares come true, telling him time and time again how worthless he was. It’s a miracle Dean has let him come this far. It’s a fucking miracle and Seth is sulking in the locker room.

-So what? Do you want a pin or something?

-Don’t laugh at me! i miss him. You can’t begin to imagine how much I’ve missed him. 

Oh, he can. He can because he’s seen it etched into Dean’s features while he tried to convince the world that he didn’t need Seth, that Roman was enough. He’s seen the longing look in Dean’s eyes and has felt the need in his bones. He’s seen the man destroy himself so he would still be tied to Seth, somehow, even if it was in a suicidary rivilary that would end up burning them both.Those two are linked by something unbreakable, Roman believes, something they can’t escape from, but Seth had made his bed and now he had to lay on it. It was only fair. 

-It’s going to take more than a few apologies and some tag team matches. 

He knows Seth’s next question before it comes out of his mouth. What is it going to take? Hell if he knows. He has no idea what is going to take for Seth Rollins to get Dean Ambrose back.

-What is it going to take then? 

That’s not the right question though, he knows deep down it’s not. It’s not the question Dean would ask, it’s not the question Dean needs the answer to. 

-Is it worth it?

-What?

-Is getting Dean back worth everything it might take? 

Realization hits Seth’s face and Roman is relieved because he doesn’t have it in him to say everything he’s not saying. Then Seth nods, it’s a small gesture but it holds a lot of assurance. 

-Every single thing. 

-Then give him time. I don’t know everything it’s going to take, but it’s certainly going to take time.  
Seth nods, still pouting, and Roman laughs. He was a princess after all, capricious as shit and with a tendency to throw tantrums whenever he didn’t get what he wanted when he wanted it. Roman can tell he’s trying though, he’s trying hard to evolve -really evolve this time- and he has to respect that. 

-I guess you’re not rooming with him then. 

Seth snorts, burying his head in his shirt.

-He won’t even offer carpoolling with me. 

Roman smiles, a little bit proud of his brother.

-Of course he wouldn’t. Are you in for a drink? I’ve had a shitty day and i could use the company. 

Seth nods, pushing himself off the floor, hope shining in his eyes. Hope, what a strange word it has always been to Roman. Maybe there are reasons to hope though. The shield was long gone, but maybe they could become something else. Maybe there is still hope for the three of them together, somehow, sometime, some place.


	2. I'm not jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean may be jealous of Seth and Finn's connection. Seth may hate it. Those two idiots may still be crazy over each other after all.

"I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them." ~ Uma Thurman

 

Seth had tried to stop it. The moment he had heard the reporter talking about him saving Finn Balor, he had tried to stop it. As soon as he had opened his phone backstage, the internet had blown up in his face. It was all over it: Seth Rollins saves new buddy Finn Balor. At that point, Seth had felt like punching himself repeatedly. For an architect, he hadn’t planned shit. 

He had acted on impulse. He hadn’t felt the need to spare Balor any pain, or to become his new buddy. He couldn’t deny the fact that he liked Balor enough, and respected him as a wrestler, and maybe, just maybe, in a world where Dean didn’t exist… But Dean did exist, and Seth couldn’t be more grateful for that, so nope, he had not gone out there and put his ass on the line to save Finn Balor. He had simply thought the blue eyed man would owe him one, and give him his rematch. 

If Seth had thought his plan through, however, he would have pictured Dean, alone, sitting on the couch, and feeling replaced once again.He knew the blonde well enough to picture every single doubt crossing his mind and he cursed his stupidity for not anticipating it. First Jason, and now Finn, and Seth is pretty sure he’s going to lose Dean all over again before Wrestlemania comes around. He couldn’t let that happen without a fight. He was not Seth Rollins the guy who ran away in the face of danger anymore, he’s Seth Rollins, the man who owns up to his mistakes now, so he picks up his phone and press 1, dialing Ambrose’s number. 

-Hey, the savior’s calling. I should go and tell the pastor, I’m sure he’d love to finally meet you after preaching you for all these years. 

-Dean, it’s not like that. 

There’s not a trace of humor in the chuckle he hears from Dean. 

-Sure, it’s not. It’s never like that with you, is it? 

-Dean, please, hear me out. I didn’t intend to save him like I… 

Seth is desperately trying to end that sentence in some non catastrophic way, but Dean beats him to it. He always does, and he never takes prisoners. 

-Like you saved me? 

-Deano, let me…

-You know what? There’s no need. I’m heading to bed anyway. I hope you get your rematch, and the title at Wrestlemania. Maybe you can celebrate with Balor if he’s not a sore loser. Good luck, Rollins. 

The line goes dead before Seth can say anything else, and his smartphone is literally flying over the room when Roman strolls in. 

-I know we make good money, but that’s not a reason to throw away the good stuff. 

Seth rolls his eyes at Roman while the Samoan sits on the bench. 

-What’s up? 

-Dean hates my guts. 

-I meant something new. 

If looks could kill, Roman would be buried right now. 

-Okay, sorry man, I can see where humor is not wanted. Is this about Finn? 

-I didn’t think it through. 

Roman shrugs before signaling for Seth to come sit next to him. 

-You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just preparing Wrestlemania, having a lot of momentum. 

-Momentum I would never have without Dean. 

-I know, but he doesn’t. 

-Oh, come on Ro, I’ve told him. I’ve told him at least a hundred times since he got injured. 

-Yeah, you also told him how worthless he was for three years after stabbing him in the back. 

-I will never live it down, won’t I? 

Roman sighs and grasps his little brother’s right shoulder to give him a bit of comfort. 

-I’m not saying it to make you feel guilty, but you have to understand it’s going to take more than a few months as tag team partners for Dean to truly trust you.

-I’m not trying to replace him. I don’t want to, and even if I did, I couldn’t. 

-I know that. Seth, can I ask you something personal?   
-Shoot.

-You and Dean, did you go back to what you two were back in the day? 

Did you got back together? Is what Roman is really asking. Seth is almost moved by the pudor his friend is showing. He bites his lower lip, thinking his answer through.

-Nope, but I think we were on the verge of it. At least, I was hoping. 

He’s putting himself into a vulnerable position. Seth knows Roman loves him, but he also knows he’ll always love Dean more. He’ll always take Dean’s side, and he can’t argue with that. He had lost any right to a long time ago. 

-My father always believed in momentum. He used to tell me about roller coasters. If you’re going down, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. If you’re going up, there’s nothing you can do to screw it. Real champions use momentum, that’s what he used to say. 

Momentum. He could feel it going into Wrestlemania. Since Jordan got injured, he’s wrestled better than ever. He’s finally comfortable with who he is as a person, and it’s been showing in the ring. He wouldn’t have gotten any of that momentum without Dean’s second chance, he could never have forgiven himself if Dean hadn’t. 

-You’re going to get that belt in Wrestlemania, because you’ve built momentum, the same way you did with Dean by chasing his forgiveness. The clock is ticking, Seth. Do or do not, but it may be now or never. 

The roller coaster is going down, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it, but he may still be able to ensure Dean riding by his side. 

-Roman, you’re the big brother for a reason. Thank you. 

Seth doesn’t bother explaining, and Roman doesn’t bother asking. The clock is ticking away. 

***

It can’t be a good idea to fly over to Vegas without being invited. There was a time where he used to do that, just step into Dean’s porch unannounced, but he had lost that privilege long ago. He was tired, though. He was exhausted. He was enjoying himself in the ring more than ever, finally founding the right rhythm, and he couldn’t share it with the only person he wanted to share it with. He didn’t want Dean as a tag team partner and somewhat awkward friend, he wanted Dean Ambrose, his wrestling and everything else soulmate. He’d been too afraid to make a move, too grateful for the unbelievable second chance to spoil it because of his selfish desire. Things had changed though, the need to take a chance had overcome the fear of losing it all. 

After RAW and a few hours of flying through the American sky, Seth is standing in front of Dean’s door, questioning every decision that has got him there. He is tired, hasn’t slept properly for a week, and is even stinking a little because he took off before showering. He’s thinking about getting the cologne in his bag to hide his odor a bit, but Dean’s face is there before he can move. 

-What the hell! I thought you were a crazy stalker or something, man. This is Vegas, people have guns here, you can’t just appear out of nowhere. 

Seth doesn’t even manage to say how sorry he is, opening and closing his mouth like Nemo before Dean grabs him by the collar, pushes him inside, and closes behind them. 

-God, you fucking stink man. 

-Sorry, I didn’t have the time to catch a shower. 

Dean is looking at him as if he’s grown three heads since the last time he spoke to him.

-Let me get this straight, you took off after RAW without even showering and flew all over to Vegas without even asking if you could come? 

Seth nods, a little bit of a blush appearing on his cheeks, Dean’s impulsivity is definitely contagious. 

-Unbelievable, what if I throw you out? 

Seth shrugs before dropping his bag on the floor in front of him. 

-I’ll sleep on your porch until you let me in.

-Did you hit your head? Do you have a concussion? Should I be calling a doctor? 

-Stop it, please, just stop it. Would you do that for a guy who flew all over the country to see you? Please? 

Dean shakes his head and sits on his old couch, Seth catching the hint and sitting on the armchair facing it. 

-Ok, so why the hell are you here? And don’t tell me you’ve come to check up on me because I’ve seen you two times tops since I got injured. 

-Oh, come on, that’s not fair! You know how the schedule is, I can’t make it more often, but I’ve called you every single week. At least I’ve tried to, because you don’t always bother to pick up. 

Dean shakes his head and looks at him with something like disdain.

-Have you changed at all? I’m the one injured at home for months, fucking up the only good storyline I’ve gotten in a really long time, and you’re the one bitching. Are you kidding me? 

Ok, he may have a point there, thinks Seth.

-I’m sorry, I am. I didn’t come here to argue. 

-Which brings us back to the initial question, why the hell are you here Seth?

He’s calling him Seth, not Rollins, his little impromptu trip wasn’t that bad of an idea. 

-We need to talk. You can’t hang up like that in the middle of an argument.

-That wasn’t an argument. 

Seth is trying to look as exasperated as he feels at the moment which seems to work since Dean seems about to explode. 

-I’m sorry you flew in for fun, but there’s nothing to say. You’re in the ring, you have your storyline with Balor, he’s your new buddy and I’m stuck at home. And you know what? It’s not your fault, so let it go man. 

-Cut the crap. 

-No, you cut the crap! I’ve already told you. I hope you win your little rematch, and I hope you’ll get the title at Wrestlemania so I can take it from you the moment I come back. 

Seth smirks at that, some of his Dean finally showing. 

-It’s funnier when we’re taking it off from one another than when we get it from other people, right? 

Dean shrugs and says casually, like it doesn’t matter:   
-Wrestling soulmates and all. 

Seth leaves the armchair to sit next to Dean on the dusty couch that should certainly be replaced but that Dean won’t let go.

-Do I like Balor? Sure, he’s a fine wrestler and a good enough guy. Would i rather have you there with me? For fuck’s sake, Dean, of course I would! That was our story. Every time I step in that ring I think “Shit, this should have been Dean and I. How would it have gone?”

-It’s okay Seth, I already told you.

-Stop acting as if you don’t care, I know you do. You didn’t like it when I partnered with Jordan, and you like the whole Finn thing even less. Admit it, it won’t change anything. 

Dean snorts, shakes his head, and drops his head between his hands before looking Seth in the eye. 

-It won’t change anything, are you sure? Because I think it will change everything. Do you know how fucking scary and frustrating is it that you already have that much influence over my life? I didn’t want to forgive you, yet I did. I didn’t want to become your friend, yet I did. I don’t what to give a fuck about Jason, Balor or anyone else, and yet I do. You happy now? 

Seth swallows, and drops a hand on one of Dean’s knees gently squeezing it. 

-It isn’t so bad to be vulnerable once in a while. 

-Really? Because las time I show you my vulnerability you drove a chair into my back the next day. 

-What are you talking about? 

Seth doesn’t know why he asks that because he knows the answer by heart. He’s replayed it a hundred times in his mind, and as much as he’s tried to forget, the images are stuck on an eternal loop somewhere in his soul. 

-We both know why you betrayed us, Seth. If you had wanted to leave for professional reasons, to get your big short, you would have done it differently. You wanted to destroy us. Things had been different for a while, we were in too deep. I lowered my guard, I let you completely in and you got scared, didn’t you? 

Seth closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and expires before answering.   
-I couldn’t even believe I could feel something so intense. You were becoming everything, Dean, and I was becoming everything to you, and it scared the shit out of me, yes. I couldn’t stop thinking how it could interfere with our careers, how it couldn’t survive, how it would break me if it didn’t… 

-So you broke it before that happened. 

Seth gets up and stands in front of Dean, eye to eye. 

-Yes, and it was hell on Earth. All those titles, all that money, everything… It felt so bland. I had it all, but not because of merit, and you weren’t there to share it with me, and it sucked, okay? It fucking sucked. I was stupid enough to think I could forget you, could move if I wanted. I couldn’t, Dean. I haven’t. 

There it is, out in the open. Seth can see the shock in Dean’s features, although his wrestling soulmate quickly composes himself. 

-What’s changed? 

-I’ve changed. I’m still scared shitless, but I know now i’d rather be vulnerable and face the consequences that losing you again. Do you know why I’m so good in the ring right now? It’s because of you. You forgave me, the Shield got back, and that was the final absolution for me. I feel liberated, I look in the mirror and I feel good. I like who I am and that makes me wrestle as best as I can. It wouldn’t have happened without you. 

Dean shrugs, trying to look unfazed. 

-You were always the most talented out of the three of us. 

-Yeah, maybe, and the stupides too. I want to go into Wrestlemania, and win, and I want to be able to celebrate it with you. I want what I threw to the rubbish those years ago. 

-What does it matter?

-It makes all the difference. Look, I know I have no right to hurry you p. I know it may take years until you fully trust me again, but I need us to be clear on a couple of things. 

-Which things?

-First, you’re jealous of Finn Balor.

Dean looks at him incredulously before chuckling in an exaggerated way. 

-The hell I am. 

-Yes, you are because i’m not the only idiot who’s still in love in this room. 

Seth’s declaration is just like them: passionate, no bullshit, final, and it has the merit to shut Dean up. 

-So first, you’re jealous of Finn Balor. Second, you’re an idiot, because you’re the only one i want as cheese as it may sound. 

-Where is all of this coming from? We’ve been spending a lot of time together those last months, and you’ve never said a word about this. 

-I was just too scared to make a move, I didn’t want to assume, and I didn’t want to do anything that would cost me time with you. If an awkward friendship is everything you wanted to give, I’d take it. 

Seth approaches Dean carefully, like you do a savage anima that has already been hurt by the human’s hand in the past, and grabs his neck from behind. 

-I’ll wait as long as it takes, but you have to tell me if there’s a chance, whatever that chance is. 

Dean looks Seth in the eye for a few moments, perfectly still and totally unnerving. 

-I’m jealous of Balor, I fucking hate that you two like each other so much. 

Then Seth is smiling because, yes, there is still a chance. In the end he’s glad Dean is not the kind of guy who throws away the furniture when it gets stained. 

 

“I don’t think it was our time then. I guess it isn’t now, either.” John looks over at me, his gaze steady. “But one day maybe it will be.”   
― Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You


End file.
